Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A New Life Embarked

Since the new year, the life that I thought that I was going to have is gone. A few days after coming back from winter break with my parents, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me. I wasn't expecting this at all. Over the past two and a half weeks, I've come to more of an understanding why. I'm now living in my brother's basement, since my ex and I weren't going to be living together anymore. But I have also put through all of my law school applications.
This break-up was one of the hardest things to ever happen to me. But I'm trying to think that it's for the best. It's the best scenario for him, and it's probably the best scenario for me, but not for us together. From this statement, one can decipher that our lives are going in different directions. I'm planning on attending law school in the fall, while my ex wants to finish up his degree at UVU, which will take about another two years. He was planning on transferring to wherever we ended up, but I understand that most schools won't accept his credits, and therefore has to start all over again. He's a year older than me. I'm done with my bachelors and am looking forward to more schooling, while he is still stuck trying to finish his bachelors. How I wish this was different.
Also, we needed to learn for ourselves how to be independent. I taught my ex how to have better study habits (hence the long bachelors) and how to manage money wisely. He relied on me physically to make sure he was okay. I would cook him dinner every night and help him with his homework. I relied on my ex too much emotionally. My self esteem was directly linked to what I thought that he thought of me. In retrospect, I was unfair. I need to gain my own self-esteem and know my own self worth and not rely on others to build that for me. I needed constant reassurance that I was sexy and what else. Needless to say, I need to work on myself before I can plunge into a long term relationship. We both do.
Also, he always wanted me to be more independent. My world revolved around him. And I gave up things that I wanted to do to try and make him happy. And I shouldn't have. In my defense, I've always had someone else around, be it my twin (Romulus), mission companions, or ex-boyfriends. I realize now that I have no idea what I like to do in my own time. I'm trying to explore that aspect of my life, and hopefully that will help in my journey in my search for my self worth. Nowadays when I go to the store, I get what I want. You have no idea how weird that is for me! I always had to discuss it with someone or bow down to someone else's opinion. Now I need to figure out what I want and go for it.
In some ways I think that the break-up was good. But I miss him dearly. He is my best friend. I was able to tell him everything and I felt comfortable doing it, something I have never felt before. But I need to think of this time as for myself. We have talked about getting back together in the future, and he says that the door is wide open for that to happen. But that won't happen until a few years down the road I fear. I feel that door closing ever so slowly and I don't want it to. But I have to go on. I need to date around. I need to enjoy myself. I need to find the real me and love myself for it.
I don't think I've ever cried this much before. But I keep telling myself that I am strong, and I pray that one day I will believe it. I will confront my uncertain future. I will be happy again.


playasinmar said...

Ideally, you would have learned this stuff at 15. Que sera, sera!

Onward and upward, Wolf Puppy!

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