Friday, June 5, 2009

Some recollections

Last Saturday, I went to a Moho (mostly blogger) party at Dichotomy's house. To be quite honest, I haven't really been blogging much in the past year. First, Romulus and I had a little scare with our home ward bishop. I deleted my blog. I regret it, but I had to do what I had to do to protect myself in this unfair world. I restarted it about 6 months ago, but have been quite unsuccessful. I was wondering why this was. I came up with the conclusion that when I started the blog, I needed the blog. I don't need it anymore. It needs me more than I need it. The times that I would go to the blog were times of trouble, anguish, and self-doubt. Even though I still fall into some of those same emotions, they aren't necessarily about me being gay. It's just about life. Through my blog, I have become much more stable emotionally and I thank it for that. As all of us have, I have gone through rough times where my only solace was to write here on this blog.
When I first came home from my mission, I was determined to stay in the church and to find a wife to be with for eternity. Though, I now strive for the complete opposite. I don't plan to stay with the church and I plan to be with a guy for the rest of my life. Regarding the first, I haven't been going to church ever since I graduated from BYU. And even my last semester, I never went to Priesthood or Sunday School, and I don't think I made it on time to sacrament meeting once. And the thing is that I didn't care. I only went to sacrament meeting to appease Romulus, so that it didn't look too suspicious that I wasn't at church much. But I feel free. Free from the shackles of the church that had such a hold on me. Regarding the other thing I mentioned, I have been seeking for a gay relationship for about the two years or so. I tend to be quite shy, so I never really dated all that much. But I have been with the most amazing man for the past while. I never knew what it was to be happy or to be loved till I was with him. This is what I would be missing if I had chosen another road.
Along with the theme of my blog, I had always been captivated from an early age by the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. I have taken this to be my life, knowing that there are two roads, and I must take one. I am taking one road and I won't regret it. I know that my life is supposed to go this way. At the beginning of my blogging experience, I was criticized a lot about the way the blogging community was going, since I was one of the first who took the step towards wanting a gay lifestyle and going out and doing it. Others saw blogging as a place where 'stugglers' could support each other in choosing the 'mormon lifestyle.' And because of this, they alienated themselves from me. I was talking with my boyfriend about the most recent party thrown by Dichotomy and the range of kinds of Mohos there were. And it made me happy that we can all be in the same room and appreciate each other and support each other in the decisions that each of us has made.
I thought about closing my blog forever, but we all need a place to put our feelings. I hope that those who read this will come to understand the happiness that can be achieved through one who lives the gay lifestyle. Understanding is what we need more of in this world, and I have started to see it. And I hope that it continues for a long time.


Abelard Enigma said...

I hope you don't close your blog forever. You're an important voice in the Mormon queerosphere - even if you only blog once in a while.

Captain Midnight said...

I'm glad to see you blogging again, and you and your bf are really cute together :)