Monday, November 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A New Life Embarked
Since the new year, the life that I thought that I was going to have is gone. A few days after coming back from winter break with my parents, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me. I wasn't expecting this at all. Over the past two and a half weeks, I've come to more of an understanding why. I'm now living in my brother's basement, since my ex and I weren't going to be living together anymore. But I have also put through all of my law school applications.
This break-up was one of the hardest things to ever happen to me. But I'm trying to think that it's for the best. It's the best scenario for him, and it's probably the best scenario for me, but not for us together. From this statement, one can decipher that our lives are going in different directions. I'm planning on attending law school in the fall, while my ex wants to finish up his degree at UVU, which will take about another two years. He was planning on transferring to wherever we ended up, but I understand that most schools won't accept his credits, and therefore has to start all over again. He's a year older than me. I'm done with my bachelors and am looking forward to more schooling, while he is still stuck trying to finish his bachelors. How I wish this was different.
Also, we needed to learn for ourselves how to be independent. I taught my ex how to have better study habits (hence the long bachelors) and how to manage money wisely. He relied on me physically to make sure he was okay. I would cook him dinner every night and help him with his homework. I relied on my ex too much emotionally. My self esteem was directly linked to what I thought that he thought of me. In retrospect, I was unfair. I need to gain my own self-esteem and know my own self worth and not rely on others to build that for me. I needed constant reassurance that I was sexy and what else. Needless to say, I need to work on myself before I can plunge into a long term relationship. We both do.
Also, he always wanted me to be more independent. My world revolved around him. And I gave up things that I wanted to do to try and make him happy. And I shouldn't have. In my defense, I've always had someone else around, be it my twin (Romulus), mission companions, or ex-boyfriends. I realize now that I have no idea what I like to do in my own time. I'm trying to explore that aspect of my life, and hopefully that will help in my journey in my search for my self worth. Nowadays when I go to the store, I get what I want. You have no idea how weird that is for me! I always had to discuss it with someone or bow down to someone else's opinion. Now I need to figure out what I want and go for it.
In some ways I think that the break-up was good. But I miss him dearly. He is my best friend. I was able to tell him everything and I felt comfortable doing it, something I have never felt before. But I need to think of this time as for myself. We have talked about getting back together in the future, and he says that the door is wide open for that to happen. But that won't happen until a few years down the road I fear. I feel that door closing ever so slowly and I don't want it to. But I have to go on. I need to date around. I need to enjoy myself. I need to find the real me and love myself for it.
I don't think I've ever cried this much before. But I keep telling myself that I am strong, and I pray that one day I will believe it. I will confront my uncertain future. I will be happy again.
This break-up was one of the hardest things to ever happen to me. But I'm trying to think that it's for the best. It's the best scenario for him, and it's probably the best scenario for me, but not for us together. From this statement, one can decipher that our lives are going in different directions. I'm planning on attending law school in the fall, while my ex wants to finish up his degree at UVU, which will take about another two years. He was planning on transferring to wherever we ended up, but I understand that most schools won't accept his credits, and therefore has to start all over again. He's a year older than me. I'm done with my bachelors and am looking forward to more schooling, while he is still stuck trying to finish his bachelors. How I wish this was different.
Also, we needed to learn for ourselves how to be independent. I taught my ex how to have better study habits (hence the long bachelors) and how to manage money wisely. He relied on me physically to make sure he was okay. I would cook him dinner every night and help him with his homework. I relied on my ex too much emotionally. My self esteem was directly linked to what I thought that he thought of me. In retrospect, I was unfair. I need to gain my own self-esteem and know my own self worth and not rely on others to build that for me. I needed constant reassurance that I was sexy and what else. Needless to say, I need to work on myself before I can plunge into a long term relationship. We both do.
Also, he always wanted me to be more independent. My world revolved around him. And I gave up things that I wanted to do to try and make him happy. And I shouldn't have. In my defense, I've always had someone else around, be it my twin (Romulus), mission companions, or ex-boyfriends. I realize now that I have no idea what I like to do in my own time. I'm trying to explore that aspect of my life, and hopefully that will help in my journey in my search for my self worth. Nowadays when I go to the store, I get what I want. You have no idea how weird that is for me! I always had to discuss it with someone or bow down to someone else's opinion. Now I need to figure out what I want and go for it.
In some ways I think that the break-up was good. But I miss him dearly. He is my best friend. I was able to tell him everything and I felt comfortable doing it, something I have never felt before. But I need to think of this time as for myself. We have talked about getting back together in the future, and he says that the door is wide open for that to happen. But that won't happen until a few years down the road I fear. I feel that door closing ever so slowly and I don't want it to. But I have to go on. I need to date around. I need to enjoy myself. I need to find the real me and love myself for it.
I don't think I've ever cried this much before. But I keep telling myself that I am strong, and I pray that one day I will believe it. I will confront my uncertain future. I will be happy again.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Family
I just talked to my Mother asking if I could bring my boyfriend home for the holidays. I said that we would abide by any rules that they set aside. I expected them to say no, but i just had a glimmer of home that they might say yes. But everything is as it is expected. My beautiful boy will not be coming home with me to Chicago.
Maybe I'm hoping too much, but I just wish that my parents could just be happy for me rather than demean the relationship and try to see only what they want to see. My parents don't ever talk about this and they expect that by ignoring it, it will somehow disappear.
I feel that how the Mormon Church tells my parents to treat me is selfish and completely absurd. The church boasts itself on how to build up families and how it makes families stronger. But its teachings have only made my family pit against each other. I wish I could talk to my parents about my experiences, my relationships, but I can't. My family is weaker because of the church. It degrades the family by telling my parents that they can't accept people for who they are, but rather only if they uphold certain standards. I degrades the family by saying that we must cut out anything 'unholy' rather than being accepting of all. Isn't that what God is about? Jesus didn't only see those who were holy, but rather those who were thought as 'sinners.' I see a lot of hypocrisy in the church. And I have seen it destroy other families. They teach you to be afraid and not do anything against the church. I have seen this fear instilled in my brother after he went through a disciplinary council. He said that he could now see what people wouldn't do anything after going through such a horrible experience.
I'm sure that my parents hold to the hope that I will overcome my 'weakness' and come back to the 'light.' But their actions and those actions of the church that they profess drive me further and further away. I always had my doubts about the church and its beliefs, but they ruin even any good image (both religious and non-religious) that I ever held of them. I have no sympathy for the church in any regards.
Maybe I'm hoping too much, but I just wish that my parents could just be happy for me rather than demean the relationship and try to see only what they want to see. My parents don't ever talk about this and they expect that by ignoring it, it will somehow disappear.
I feel that how the Mormon Church tells my parents to treat me is selfish and completely absurd. The church boasts itself on how to build up families and how it makes families stronger. But its teachings have only made my family pit against each other. I wish I could talk to my parents about my experiences, my relationships, but I can't. My family is weaker because of the church. It degrades the family by telling my parents that they can't accept people for who they are, but rather only if they uphold certain standards. I degrades the family by saying that we must cut out anything 'unholy' rather than being accepting of all. Isn't that what God is about? Jesus didn't only see those who were holy, but rather those who were thought as 'sinners.' I see a lot of hypocrisy in the church. And I have seen it destroy other families. They teach you to be afraid and not do anything against the church. I have seen this fear instilled in my brother after he went through a disciplinary council. He said that he could now see what people wouldn't do anything after going through such a horrible experience.
I'm sure that my parents hold to the hope that I will overcome my 'weakness' and come back to the 'light.' But their actions and those actions of the church that they profess drive me further and further away. I always had my doubts about the church and its beliefs, but they ruin even any good image (both religious and non-religious) that I ever held of them. I have no sympathy for the church in any regards.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Mission Remembrances
Last month on the 28th, Romulus and I had been home from our missions for 3 years. It's weird to see how our lives have changed. But in a way, I imagined that I would be at the point that I would be at. At the end of the mission, I was afraid to make what I wanted a reality.
I remember my Mom saying that I never really talked much about my mission. It's not that I regret it or that I wish I didn't go. I wouldn't take that experience back for anything. With my life going in the direction that it is going, I remember it, but I don't necessarily look back on it as something that I need to share with people. I don't look back on it fondly wishing I were back there. The end of the mission marked a new beginning for me. The mission seems like a dream now and with intermittent people from that dream appearing in my life.
My boyfriend took a lot of pictures and videos from his mission. Not to say that he's trying to relive his mission (because he's not), but he keeps that with him. And I was wondering it there was something wrong with me in the fact that I don't like the constant reminders of such experience. But I thought about it a little more. It's like me to have experienced something and to leave it in the past. Because that is where it belongs. I didn't linger on my accomplishments from high school when I was in college. Nor do I linger onto the memories of college now that I'm not in college anymore. But I look forward to the future. Sure I like to remember certain things from the past. But living in the present is always more gratifying than trying to relive the past.
There are many more experiences waiting for me. Why try to recreate the past when the future has so much in store? I know that there is a lot in the future for me. And I work hard to make those things happen for me. The future is bright for us all. :)
I remember my Mom saying that I never really talked much about my mission. It's not that I regret it or that I wish I didn't go. I wouldn't take that experience back for anything. With my life going in the direction that it is going, I remember it, but I don't necessarily look back on it as something that I need to share with people. I don't look back on it fondly wishing I were back there. The end of the mission marked a new beginning for me. The mission seems like a dream now and with intermittent people from that dream appearing in my life.
My boyfriend took a lot of pictures and videos from his mission. Not to say that he's trying to relive his mission (because he's not), but he keeps that with him. And I was wondering it there was something wrong with me in the fact that I don't like the constant reminders of such experience. But I thought about it a little more. It's like me to have experienced something and to leave it in the past. Because that is where it belongs. I didn't linger on my accomplishments from high school when I was in college. Nor do I linger onto the memories of college now that I'm not in college anymore. But I look forward to the future. Sure I like to remember certain things from the past. But living in the present is always more gratifying than trying to relive the past.
There are many more experiences waiting for me. Why try to recreate the past when the future has so much in store? I know that there is a lot in the future for me. And I work hard to make those things happen for me. The future is bright for us all. :)
Friday, June 19, 2009
Pessimism
Ever since I was little, I have always been a pessimist. I see the worst of everything (or as I like to see it, the reality) and I always think the worst of everything when I think of different scenarios (which I think classifies me as a pessimist). My pessimism has lead me to make assumptions that things are happening when they aren't. This is one thing that I really want to change about myself. I feel like it bogs me down and it bogs down my boyfriend, the person who means the most to me in the whole world. I've decided that I need to take steps to improve myself so that I can be a better person not only for those around me, but for myself. We'll see how this goes... :)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Some recollections
Last Saturday, I went to a Moho (mostly blogger) party at Dichotomy's house. To be quite honest, I haven't really been blogging much in the past year. First, Romulus and I had a little scare with our home ward bishop. I deleted my blog. I regret it, but I had to do what I had to do to protect myself in this unfair world. I restarted it about 6 months ago, but have been quite unsuccessful. I was wondering why this was. I came up with the conclusion that when I started the blog, I needed the blog. I don't need it anymore. It needs me more than I need it. The times that I would go to the blog were times of trouble, anguish, and self-doubt. Even though I still fall into some of those same emotions, they aren't necessarily about me being gay. It's just about life. Through my blog, I have become much more stable emotionally and I thank it for that. As all of us have, I have gone through rough times where my only solace was to write here on this blog.
When I first came home from my mission, I was determined to stay in the church and to find a wife to be with for eternity. Though, I now strive for the complete opposite. I don't plan to stay with the church and I plan to be with a guy for the rest of my life. Regarding the first, I haven't been going to church ever since I graduated from BYU. And even my last semester, I never went to Priesthood or Sunday School, and I don't think I made it on time to sacrament meeting once. And the thing is that I didn't care. I only went to sacrament meeting to appease Romulus, so that it didn't look too suspicious that I wasn't at church much. But I feel free. Free from the shackles of the church that had such a hold on me. Regarding the other thing I mentioned, I have been seeking for a gay relationship for about the two years or so. I tend to be quite shy, so I never really dated all that much. But I have been with the most amazing man for the past while. I never knew what it was to be happy or to be loved till I was with him. This is what I would be missing if I had chosen another road.
Along with the theme of my blog, I had always been captivated from an early age by the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. I have taken this to be my life, knowing that there are two roads, and I must take one. I am taking one road and I won't regret it. I know that my life is supposed to go this way. At the beginning of my blogging experience, I was criticized a lot about the way the blogging community was going, since I was one of the first who took the step towards wanting a gay lifestyle and going out and doing it. Others saw blogging as a place where 'stugglers' could support each other in choosing the 'mormon lifestyle.' And because of this, they alienated themselves from me. I was talking with my boyfriend about the most recent party thrown by Dichotomy and the range of kinds of Mohos there were. And it made me happy that we can all be in the same room and appreciate each other and support each other in the decisions that each of us has made.
I thought about closing my blog forever, but we all need a place to put our feelings. I hope that those who read this will come to understand the happiness that can be achieved through one who lives the gay lifestyle. Understanding is what we need more of in this world, and I have started to see it. And I hope that it continues for a long time.
When I first came home from my mission, I was determined to stay in the church and to find a wife to be with for eternity. Though, I now strive for the complete opposite. I don't plan to stay with the church and I plan to be with a guy for the rest of my life. Regarding the first, I haven't been going to church ever since I graduated from BYU. And even my last semester, I never went to Priesthood or Sunday School, and I don't think I made it on time to sacrament meeting once. And the thing is that I didn't care. I only went to sacrament meeting to appease Romulus, so that it didn't look too suspicious that I wasn't at church much. But I feel free. Free from the shackles of the church that had such a hold on me. Regarding the other thing I mentioned, I have been seeking for a gay relationship for about the two years or so. I tend to be quite shy, so I never really dated all that much. But I have been with the most amazing man for the past while. I never knew what it was to be happy or to be loved till I was with him. This is what I would be missing if I had chosen another road.
Along with the theme of my blog, I had always been captivated from an early age by the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. I have taken this to be my life, knowing that there are two roads, and I must take one. I am taking one road and I won't regret it. I know that my life is supposed to go this way. At the beginning of my blogging experience, I was criticized a lot about the way the blogging community was going, since I was one of the first who took the step towards wanting a gay lifestyle and going out and doing it. Others saw blogging as a place where 'stugglers' could support each other in choosing the 'mormon lifestyle.' And because of this, they alienated themselves from me. I was talking with my boyfriend about the most recent party thrown by Dichotomy and the range of kinds of Mohos there were. And it made me happy that we can all be in the same room and appreciate each other and support each other in the decisions that each of us has made.
I thought about closing my blog forever, but we all need a place to put our feelings. I hope that those who read this will come to understand the happiness that can be achieved through one who lives the gay lifestyle. Understanding is what we need more of in this world, and I have started to see it. And I hope that it continues for a long time.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I haven't posted in a long time...
So life has been really interesting since the last time I posted. I've been meaning to post, but whatever. I didn't.
Wow, I actually started this post awhile ago, but I will finish it now.
Those who have read my blog in the past (all of the past posts were deleted due to a security breach of sorts) know of the struggles that I have had and in some ways still face. But my life has come around. I have become happier and more self sufficient through the last couple of months. As most of you know, Romulus was suspended and he had to move out of the apartment. It was the first time since the mission (and before it for a matter of fact) that we would be living apart. But I have been able to take charge of my life and move on as an independent person. Not that I don't enjoy being around Romulus, the mission taught me to be more self sufficient, but this situation has forced me to be so.
Though, in the past four months, I have been privileged to meet and know someone who has become one of my best friends, if not my best friend. I have been dating a wonderful guy and he makes me so happy. I still remember the first time we talked, and we just clicked. More so than with anyone I had ever clicked with. And as we got to know each other, the struggles that we faced, the little quirks we have, we realized how similar we were, and I began to fall in love with him. Over the past few months we have grown together as a couple and I can't imagine myself not with him. It may not seem like we've been together all that long, but we have grown in our commitment to each other, through our fights and arguments. I love him very much. :)
I will be graduating from the lauded BYU soon, and I can't wait to get out! I will have a freedom that I haven't felt in a long time. I will not always be afraid to be myself and to express myself. I will be able to hug my baby whenever I want. And for once, I will be free of the shackles that have held me so tightly for the past 23 years of my life.
Wow, I actually started this post awhile ago, but I will finish it now.
Those who have read my blog in the past (all of the past posts were deleted due to a security breach of sorts) know of the struggles that I have had and in some ways still face. But my life has come around. I have become happier and more self sufficient through the last couple of months. As most of you know, Romulus was suspended and he had to move out of the apartment. It was the first time since the mission (and before it for a matter of fact) that we would be living apart. But I have been able to take charge of my life and move on as an independent person. Not that I don't enjoy being around Romulus, the mission taught me to be more self sufficient, but this situation has forced me to be so.
Though, in the past four months, I have been privileged to meet and know someone who has become one of my best friends, if not my best friend. I have been dating a wonderful guy and he makes me so happy. I still remember the first time we talked, and we just clicked. More so than with anyone I had ever clicked with. And as we got to know each other, the struggles that we faced, the little quirks we have, we realized how similar we were, and I began to fall in love with him. Over the past few months we have grown together as a couple and I can't imagine myself not with him. It may not seem like we've been together all that long, but we have grown in our commitment to each other, through our fights and arguments. I love him very much. :)
I will be graduating from the lauded BYU soon, and I can't wait to get out! I will have a freedom that I haven't felt in a long time. I will not always be afraid to be myself and to express myself. I will be able to hug my baby whenever I want. And for once, I will be free of the shackles that have held me so tightly for the past 23 years of my life.
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